It’s Okay to Not Be Okay.

I don’t know who told you that it was weak to cry, or that your feelings don’t matter, but they’re wrong. I believe that emotions show intelligence and strength, not fear and weakness.

Also, did you miss me? I kind of took a hiatus from my personal and professional life through the course of this past month or so. I apologize, but then again, I really am not sorry.

I was not okay, and that’s okay.

This quarantine has me all shits and giggles about the enormous opportunity that was presented to us. All the time in the world to soak in our current states of mind and contemplate wtf I am doing with my life. Honestly nothing new for me, except I really had no choice.

I chose to invest in Kathrin Zenkina’s Manifestation Babe Academy (MBA) at the beginning of April. This has been a course I have had my eye on for so fucking long that I took the leap and knew this would be the perfect time to dive into my subconscious programming.

Little did I know that this would involve untangling all of my emotional baggage obtained up until this point in time. I didn’t’t really know what exactly to expect, but my soul was telling me it’s time. To be honest, everything holding me back in life has to do with my past emotional traumas.. like really.

It’s easy to say you forget about shit that happens to you, or say that you forgave people that have hurt you. But if you have, you wouldn’t be so fucked up about things that you know aren’t YOU.

When we are children, from ages 0-7, our subconscious mind is like a sponge; observing, learning, and watching everything we are exposed to in our environment therefore forming our identity, beliefs, values, behaviors, and subconscious programming.

So, I mean, I think we all have a thing or two that we would’ve liked to have happen differently in our childhoods. Well, our whole lives, everything that’s ever happened in your eyes, makes up your story. Your life story.

This story is what’s constantly playing over and over again in your mind whether you’re aware of it or not. This story sounds a bit like, “I am not good enough. I am weird. I am a bitch.”

Take a moment to think about the story you tell yourself. Where do those statements come from? What made you believe that? Who said that to you? You’ll soon realize this is just someone else story that isn’t even true.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on

Similar to a computer program, after a while the program running needs an update. That’s similar to our minds, the programs running in our mind work well for us for a while, but then they need an update. Some may find this in television programming to do the easy work for them, or some, like you and me, may resort to manually reprogramming our minds.

It’s easier than you think, but it does take some self-awareness, patience, and a daily dedication to change your life. Our thoughts create our reality, and in this case, the story running on autopilot is creating what we believe is possible for ourselves.

So during MBA, I was forced to unpack all of my emotional baggage, accept it, and flip the script. By coming to terms with the story running in my mind, I had to journal out what I believed in order to be where I am at this moment in time. I then took my limiting beliefs and traded them for beliefs I must hold in order to be the person in the reality I want to create.

This process in itself if empowering, but the actual process of processing and integrating the healing took a toll on my mind and body. I stopped focusing on my social media, I didn’t post anything on my website, let alone even visit it. I took a break from everything that brought me stress, and focused on anything and everything that made me feel good.

I took bubble baths, played animal crossing, took my dogs out on walks in the sunshine, took 5 hour naps, watched 90 day fiancé, and read books to pass time. My soul was calling for me to just fucking be. Be myself, and let myself enjoy the process of being. Not working, not stressing, but feeling good about feeling good.

Photo by Daria Shevtsova on

You know, through this whole process, I found myself in a little bubble of self-love and empowerment that I never imagined existed within myself. I was driving to Flowerchild to pick up lunch for Enrique and I, and I just smiled. I am just so happy and proud of myself for doing the work to clear out my baggage. For once, it felt so damn good to not be okay for a while.

I look at the sky and thank it for the beautiful day. I thank the universe for my life, and the miracles that come by me. I’m thankful for the butterflies, the numbers, the hummingbirds. I am so thankful for the intuitive nudges that tell me what to do next, and the feeling of love that my heart chakra has missed so damn much.

Sometimes, you need to be in complete and utter darkness in order to find your new light.

Sometimes, you need to lose your whole entire life in order to create your new one. Stay positive my friends, the universe always has your back, and everything is always working in your favor. Trust.

Photo by Matheus Bertelli on

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